Adore Yoga Blog

The second Yama: Satya - Communicate honestly and kindly

This is the second instalment of my modern take on Patanjali's yoga sutras., looking at real-world applications of the Yamas and Niyamas, the 'ten commandments' of yoga. The second yama is all about communication.

 The Sanskrit term used in this Sutra is ‘Satya’. I was taught that this meant ‘Truthfulness’, but TKV Desikachar describes it as ‘right communication’. Now for me, that’s much more challenging than plain old ‘tell the truth’ - I’ve never had a problem with telling it like it is. But the idea of ‘right communication’ is far less black and white. It’s about dealing with others fairly and kindly, sparing feelings as well as speaking the truth. For me, it was about being less scary.

Recently, I was leafing through some student feedback forms for a yoga teacher training course I had delivered. One of the students had written “I thought the lecturer was a bit scary.” Now, I knew I could be forthright, but I didn’t think that anybody would be scared of me. I mentioned this to friends and colleagues who, sticking to the principle of Satya, gently told me that I could come across as, well, a bit strident. They were right. I can get rather carried away when I’m passionate about something and, I had to admit, my teaching style could be pretty confrontational. 

I started to think more carefully about how I communicated. I knew that some students really liked my ‘no holds barred’ approach, but not everybody enjoyed my abrasive style. As a teacher, it’s my job to help every student reach their full potential and that wasn’t going to happen while I was acting in a ‘scary’ way. It was time to get serious about NVC.

I was introduced to Non-Violent Communication (NVC) by Judith Lasater, a US based yoga teacher, back in 2004. NVC reasons that we all share the same basic human needs and that once we acknowledge those needs, we can communicate effectively and authentically. I started by trying out the NVC formula on my children.

Eddie (aged 3): I hate you mummy (I’ve just told him he can’t bring the huge, wet, filthy stick he found in the park into the car)

Me: You need to be able to make your own decisions don’t you? Well I need to protect the inside of the car or Daddy will go mad. Would you be willing to put down the stick and then you can choose which CD to listen to on the way home?

Eddie: I’m not going home, I hate you.

NVC is supposed to work well with children, so I tried again with Ruby (aged 6).

Me: Ruby, please let your brother have a go on the trampoline

Ruby: No, he’s annoying

Me: I hear that you need some time without your brother to do some big-girl stuff.  I need to make Eddie stop screaming at the top of his lungs. Would you be willing to let Eddie have a turn then you and I can do something special together after dinner?

Ruby: Eddie, I’ll only let you on the trampoline if you give me your party bag (from the morning’s birthday party).

Eddie: OK!

Conflict resolved.

While NVC is a great tool, I found it hard to stick to the formula (and reverted to type as soon as it didn’t work). So I started to pay attention to the times when my communication tipped over from compassionate to scary.  I realised that my most abrasive moments were reserved for the times when I felt most vulnerable – being scary was a defence mechanism. Now, owning up to my own vulnerability was a whole lot more confronting than simply being ‘nicer’, but this observation opened up a whole new way of thinking about ‘right communication.’ It’s not what you say, it’s the mental and emotional state you’re inhabiting when you say it.

Using a variation of the old ‘count to ten’ method of holding back before speaking in anger, I started to deploy a little physical trick whenever I noticed myself feeling challenged or overwhelmed. I call it the Rag Doll technique. Here’s how to do it:

• Simultaneously exhale and relax every muscle in my body - floppy hands, face, lips, belly, shoulders, everything (well, there’s just enough tension in the key postural muscles to stay upright!) 
• Switch off from all the sounds and sights around you and turn all your attention inwards 
• Watch yourself as you take a single, slow breath in this passive state. 

All this takes about 5 seconds (and it gets easier with practise). 

What does it achieve? It removes the ‘charge’ from the situation. There’s a powerful reflex, like an electrical charge, that is triggered by feelings of anxiety, fear or vulnerability. This charge can lead to defensive or hostile reactions for even negative self-talk and despair. I discovered that by diffusing that charge, I can communicate from a calm and balanced place (running and swimming also diffuse this charge for me, but it’s not so easy to do a few laps in the middle of teaching a yoga class or disciplining children!)

The Rag Doll technique is just one way of practising mindfulness, the holy grail of yoga. There are plenty of other ways of stepping back from the overwhelm and becoming aware of unwanted patterns of behaviour as they creep up. Affirmations, mantra, visualisation – these are all ways of short circuiting the ‘charge’ so that we can actually choose how we respond to situations rather than falling into bad habits that cause you more problems (like scaring students).

One of the best ways to observe our patterns of behaviour is to watch how we respond to challenges on the yoga mat. What is your mind-talk when holding your least favourite pose? How do you feel when performing a breathing practise that makes you uncomfortable? Start watching your reactions on the mat and notice what techniques help you get that Rag Doll effect.